The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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