just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
