Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
