The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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