I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
