someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
