HIV tests are more positive than that guy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
