Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
