His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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