you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
