I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
he's single and there are thong briefs.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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