We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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