I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
