the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
