I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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