woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
