I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
