i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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