I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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