Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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