They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
