ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
