we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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