Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
