i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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