I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
