The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
