you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
