yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
