you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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