took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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