i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
