i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
