my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
