Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
