There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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