Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
