Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Randomize
