she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
