I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
