oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
