how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
