im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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