Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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