Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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