when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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