remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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