That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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