He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
