worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
