I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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