The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
