Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
zippers are such a cool invention
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
