Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
