I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
