All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
