Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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