And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
