He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
