I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
