This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize