I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
